Since I Was Born I Started To Decay
by Khaleesi95
Summary: Loki comes and goes. Thor never asks the questions that plague his mind; he only picks his brother up and is happy for the time that they are together, even if it isn't perfect. Hipster AU, Thorki.
1. Chapter 1

After reading _Saudade_ by **evilexboyfriend** and _We Spent Our Darkest Days Howling At The Moon_ by **stereobone** (you can find it on AO3), I fell in love with hipster Thorki. So, I decided to write a little something of my own. It is inspired by the latter fic. The cover is made by **crowthis** on tumblr.

A/N: English isn't my native language, so there might be some mistakes.

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><p><em>Disarm you with a smile<em>  
><em>And leave you like they left me here<em>  
><em>To wither in denial<em>  
><em>The bitterness of one who's left alone<em>  
><em>Ooh, the years burn<em>  
><em>Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn<em>

**_Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm_**

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><p>Loki comes and goes. Thor never asks him just where he goes or why, sooner or later, he feels the need to leave. He's just happy when his brother is with him. Besides, he knows that if he ever asks, Loki will simply remain silent. Or get angry. Or leave sooner than planned. Thor can't afford that.<p>

He remembers the last time Loki was in town. They went to a Crystal Fighters concert. There were so many people, all those hot bodies writhing and pressing up against them (Loki doesn't like crowded spaces, but his love for music makes him love concerts and drag - a more than willing to please - Thor to them). After the concert was over, they, sweaty and smelling and excited, went to a bar nearby. Soon they ended up back in Thor's flat, fucking like animals, most likely keeping the entire neighbourhood up with their moans and groans and screams.

When Thor woke up, he found the other side of the bed empty. Thor looked around, but he knew that it was futile. Loki had left again. As always, there was no note behind. He never sent a text. Thor knew better than to reach out; he had done that in the beginning, calling and sending one text after the other, only to get no reply. He later noticed that Loki returned sooner if there had been no communication between them. So, he let his raven-haired angel be, even though it killed him.

His friends keep trying to set him up with someone. Kind Sif tried to make a move a few times, but no matter how much he loves her, he could never see her as anything more than a friend.

Loki, on the other hand, is nothing short of his everything.

He still remembers Loki's combination of rage and fear when he found out that he was adopted. He said that he hated his not-family and wanted to leave. Thor wanted to make his pain go away, so he went to the younger boy's (no, they were men now!) room and comforted him. Never having been very good with words, he turned to touch for help. He put his arm around Loki's shoulders and kissed the top of his head, inhaling his vanilla-scented shampoo. Loki didn't react at all until Thor claimed his lips with his own. It had been supposed to be a brotherly kiss, but they weren't brothers, and brothers never kiss with such passion anyway.

Thor believed that being so intimate would convince his brother to stay. But apparently, giving his virginity to Thor was not enough to make Loki want to stay in a house that no longer felt like home.

Thor settled in, finding his own flat in New York, working (although his temper got him fired from more than one job). He goes out with his friends and has fun, but there is always a hole in his chest that can't be filled. Every time Loki leaves, Thor feels like he gets stabbed in the heart.

It has been almost two weeks now. Thor doesn't know when Loki will be back. _When_, not_ if_. Loki _will_ be back. He always returns, sooner or later, and Thor prays for sooner every time. His brother _will_ come back; Thor will not be able to handle it if he doesn't.

Thor misses the innocent boy that Loki used to be. He was a mischievous little devil, pulling pranks and getting people into trouble. But other than that, he was innocent. And he followed Thor everywhere.

Now, a stain has been covering his heart ever since he found out that his parents are not his parents at all. The man he has become does not follow Thor around but leaves him behind instead.

That little boy adored Thor. Thor doesn't know how the grown man truly feels about him.

With his head filled with thoughts and memories of Loki, Thor decides to go out for a walk, to feel the light breeze blow through his golden hair and imagine that it is Loki's long fingers.

Before he leaves the flat, though, his mobile phone rings. He almost gasps as he sees the name of the caller on his screen.

"I am at the train station," the voice says and it sounds exactly like Thor remembers it, soft and deep.

For a moment he forgets to breathe. He's back. He's in New York. Thor is going to hold him in his strong arms again.

Loki snorts at the silence from the other line, but Thor is certain that he is actually smiling. He remembers his brother's smiles, a combination of innocence and mischief. They disarm Thor every time.

"Come pick me up, you oaf."

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><p>Don't fret, this isn't going to be a total rip-off of We Spent Our Darkest Days Howling At The Moon :P<p>

Feedback is love xxx


	2. Chapter 2

The story is complete, so hopefully there will be a new chapter every week. Perhaps more than one! :D

Rating has jumped up to M for sexy reasons *wink wink*.

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><p><em>Beat weighty tests with lofty cries<em>  
><em> Lofty cries with trembling thighs<em>  
><em> Weepy chests with weepy sighs<em>  
><em> Weepy skin with trembling thighs<em>

_ You must be hovering over yourself_  
><em> Watching us drip on each other's sides<em>  
><em> Dear brother, collect all the liquids off of the floor<em>  
><em> Use your oily fingers<em>  
><em> Make a paste, let it form<em>

_ Let it seep through your sockets and ears_  
><em> Into your precious, ruptured skull<em>  
><em> Let it seep, let it keep you from us<em>  
><em> Patiently heal you<em>  
><em> Patiently unreel you<em>

**_Purity Ring - Lofticries_**

* * *

><p>Loki looks thinner. He has always been thin, of course; mother nature has built him like this and he eats like a bird, unlike Thor who devours food like a wild boar. But now it doesn't look healthy. It's not because of his body structure any longer; he must have barely eaten all that time he's been away. His skinny jeans look almost baggy, desperately clinging to his prominent hipbones.<p>

Thor does not voice his concerns because he knows how Loki will react. He will feel like he is a little child being scolded by his mother. Thor is too selfish to speak words that might drive his brother away. He has only just arrived.

Thor wonders how long he is going to stay this time. He wonders where Loki has just returned from. He doesn't ask any of his questions out loud.

Pop Tarts are patiently waiting for them, but so far Loki has paid them no mind. He walks around the flat, looking at the records and the books. If he is looking for something new, then he is going to be disappointed. Thor hasn't bought anything since he left, choosing instead to listen to the records that he has chosen with Loki and read the books that Loki has lost himself in.

"You should supplement your collection," Loki comments.

"And you should eat." Thor has tried, but it's hard to prevent his worry from making itself known.

"Fine." Loki sounds like a stubborn child, but at least he has agreed to eat something and is walking back to the kitchen.

Instead of indulging himself to Pop Tarts, he grabs an apple instead. He sinks his perfect, white teeth into the flesh of the fruit and takes a bite. Thor just stands there, staring at him.

"What?" Loki asks after swallowing.

"I meant you should have some proper food."

Loki shrugs, somehow managing to make it look beautiful and graceful. "Our ancestors fed on whatever they could find hanging from trees," he says and takes another bite.

"They also hunted and fed on the meat of their prey." A little voice inside Thor's head is telling him to stop, to let Loki do what he wants to do, or else he might go away again. But he cares too much about his brother to keep his mouth shut.

Loki waves his hand as if he is trying to wave Thor's words away. Thor watches him as he eats, his mouth full while chewing, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallows. For a moment he forgets about everything, as the sight before him is intoxicating.

When Loki is done and throws the apple core in the trash bin, the spell he has so effortlessly put on Thor is still very strong. Thor wants him, plain and simple. He needs him. He has missed him.

Loki grabs his shirt and pulls him close. He kisses him with enough force to bruise. He's always been like that, and Thor always gives him what he wants. He tastes like apples, but above all he tastes like Loki. It's a familiar and loved flavour, and Thor loses himself in it as articles of clothing are being shed.

They don't reach the bedroom. They make an attempt to do so, but their passion gets the better of them. So, Thor unbuttons Loki's jeans and lowers them along with his underwear, and makes him sit on the sofa. He positions himself between his brother's open legs.

Loki runs his long, talented fingers through Thor's hair of gold and kisses him like a man possessed. His one hand begins a trip on Thor's body, stroking his cheek, then his neck, finding his now exposed muscular chest. Thor moans and places his mouth on Loki's neck, attacking his pulse point. Loki plays with his nipple, which hardens instantly under his touch.

When Loki's hand trails lower still, palming his erection though the fabric of his also unbuttoned jeans, Thor takes hold of his wrist and removes the hand. Loki looks at him, clearly confused. Thor wants to cast all his doubts away by telling him the sweetest things, but he knows how pathetic his brother will find those words. Instead, he merely says:

"This is about you."

A mischievous grin appears on Loki's beautiful face, and Thor lowers his head (with one of Loki's hand still through his hair) over his brother's reaction in order to give him his welcome home present.

He begins to rub his hand up and down Loki's hard cock, giving it a little twist around the head. Loki's head falls back, and Thor smirks as he hears his pants and groans. Loki has missed his touch.

A warm wet stripe is being licked up the length of Loki's cock before Thor closes his lips around the tip, tasting the salty precum. Loki moans and bucks his hips up.

In order to tease his brother, Thor keeps his hand on the base of his cock firmly in order to control the penetration. Loki is giving shallow thrusts with his hips as vibrations reverberate from his manhood through his entire body.

"Fuck," he whispers, lost in his pleasure and desperate for more, and he tugs at Thor's hair almost painfully.

Thor gives in and takes the entirety of Loki's erect member in his mouth, even though it makes his eyes water. Loki gasps, and his thin hips are bucking up again, almost choking Thor. The latter doesn't complain, doesn't resist, doesn't stop; he only wants to please his brother.

And then, Loki is coming, body trembling and a groan escaping his mouth. Thor swallows everything that his brother gives him and wraps his hand around his own cock. After a few jerks, he's done as well.

When Loki comes down from his high, he notices the mess on Thor's stomach. "Idiot," he says, rolling his eyes.

Before Thor has time to say or do anything, Loki leans in and begins to lap up at him like a kitten. Thor shivers as his brother licks him clean, licks his seed off his belly.

When he is done, he kisses Thor briefly on the lips. "Well, I think we need a shower."


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you everyone who has fav'ed and followed the story! Big thanks to **MadaSasu** for everything!

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><p><em>I've tried but I just can't take it,<em>  
><em>I'd rather fight than just fake it (cause I like it<em>  
><em>rough),<em>  
><em>You know that I've had enough,<em>  
><em>I dare ya to call my bluff,<em>  
><em>Can't take too much of a good thing<em>  
><em>I'm tellin you!<em>

_I miss the bad things,_  
><em>The way you hate me,<em>  
><em>I miss the screaming,<em>  
><em>The way that you blame me!<em>  
><em>Miss the phone calls,<em>  
><em>When it's your fault,<em>  
><em>I miss the late nights,<em>  
><em>Don't miss you at all!<em>

**_Halestorm - I Miss the Misery_**

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><p>They don't do much for the next couple of days. Thor has been recently fired yet again, so he can stay with his brother all the time. It's like fate has put her hand in the whole situation, making sure that those two will not be separated. Until Loki leaves, that is.<p>

Thor tries not to think about that much. Their life is good right now. They listen to music, they watch old films, they cook and eat (although Loki doesn't eat as much as Thor would like him to), they fuck. They don't talk a lot really, but when Thor is inside Loki or filled with him, he is in absolute bliss.

It doesn't take long until the first crack in their perfect life makes its appearance.

Loki has just set a Jim Jarmusch and Josef Van Wissem record to playing and is now slowly dancing to it. Thor watches as his brother's lithe body moves to the rhythm of the sorrowful music as it slashes through the silence of the flat. There is no concern, no worry, as Loki's narrow hips roll. He becomes the music as he dances. He is free.

Thor's mouth waters. He feels like a man in the desert. He thirsts for Loki. His brother is not trying to be seductive, yet he magnetises him. He is not just an arousing sight - he is something holy, something sacred.

And then Thor's mobile phone rings.

Loki keeps swaying his body as if he can't hear it. Thor looks around for his phone (with Loki back, he doesn't keep it next to him all the time), hoping to read the name of a friend on the screen. When he finally finds the phone, his hopes are shattered.

He picks up because he knows that if he doesn't, Loki will get suspicious. He also stays in the same room for that reason. He is nervous, wondering why his father has called, but their conversation is meaningless. Odin merely wants to know how his son is doing because they haven't talked for a while. He doesn't ask about Loki. Either he doesn't know that his adopted son is back in town, or he just doesn't care.

When Thor hangs up, he notices that the music is still playing but Loki is perfectly still and staring at him. Thor can look at him for a few heartbeats before lowering is gaze. He feels that he has somehow betrayed Loki with that phone call, even though he's not the one who called and he didn't say anything to his father about his brother.

"Who was it?" Loki asks, but Thor is certain that he already knows the answer to that.

"Our father."

"_Your_ father. What did he want?"

"Nothing. Just asked how I'm doing."

"He didn't ask anything about me?"

"No."

Loki smiles, but it is bitter. "Of course he didn't. Why should he care anyway?"

Thor rises from the sofa. "Loki, he does care -"

"Oh, I can see that," Loki cuts him off, his voice dripping sarcasm. "He couldn't even come see me when I was in the hospital."

Thor wants to push the memories of that time away, but they just come to him whether he likes it or not. Loki got in the hospital about a year ago after doing some shitty drugs. The drugs had been bad (unreliable source), Loki had never tried it before (his first and last time), and they almost lost him. Thor refused to leave his brother's side; he might not make it and Thor wanted to be there until his last breath got out of his soft lips - and if he did make it, he wanted to be the first thing Loki saw. And when Loki did wake up (the doctors said that he is stronger than he looks), he wouldn't leave him. But Loki left him when he was out of the hospital.

At that time, Frigga came, worried for the boy she had raised as her own, but Loki acted as if she weren't there. Frigga persisted until, with words that cut deeper than a knife, Loki made her understand that he didn't want her there.

He barely spoke to Thor during his hospitalisation. At first Thor would bombard him with questions, trying to understand why his clever brother had fallen so low, but Loki would only close in on himself. So, Thor changed tactics and decided to give him space, respecting his privacy and hoping that his brother would come back to the flat with him. Loki talked to him a little but did not follow him.

Odin never showed up.

"He does care," Thor is saying. Not because he wants to defend his father, but because he wants to make Loki feel welcome and wanted and loved. "In his own way."

Loki chuckles, but the sound is so empty of emotion that it chills Thor to the bone. "He only cares about _you_! His favourite son, his precious boy, the one who always made him proud despite being so dense! And why shouldn't care only about you? _You_ are his _only_ son!"

"Loki, he loves you like his own -"

"No, Thor!"

"Loki -"

"SHUT UP!"

Loki's voice is so loud and booming that it stuns Thor to silence. His brother's bright emerald eyes burn with such rage that they are like two green flames inside his skull.

Silence. The only sound is the mournful music. It seems to fit this scene perfectly.

Thor takes a slow, careful step closer to his brother. He holds his arms out as if to embrace him. "Loki..." he begins, his voice soft and soothing.

For a moment Loki relaxes and looks like he wants nothing more than to run into Thor's arms and never leave. Then the anger returns. "I'm going out. Don't follow me, Thor, or I swear I'll leave without my fucking stuff and you'll never see me again."


	4. Chapter 4

Two chapters left, if anyone cares :)

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><p><em>But oh, look at all of the damage you have done<em>  
><em>in turn<em>  
><em>If you offer salvation, I will run<em>  
><em>into your arms<em>

**_Hurts - Miracle_**

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><p>Thor wants to follow Loki. Every fiber of his being is screaming at him to do just that. But Loki's last words echo inside his head, the only thing keeping him from running after his brother and apologising without really knowing what exactly he would be apologising for.<p>

Minutes turn into hours. Thor paces up and down, sits on the sofa, and repeats. Sometimes he runs his fingers through his hair in despair. Other times he bites his nails out of worry. What he really wants to do is go out and look for his brother.

But what if Loki decides to leave anyway? What if this is all too much for him and he is now on a bus or a plane or something? He has taken no money with him, but what if he has a secret bank account? What if he's desperate enough to do anything for some cash?

Unbidden, images of Loki selling his body to strangers flood Thor's mind. Those strangers are cold, uncaring, brutal. Loki is completely apathetic, just doing his job.

NO! Loki may not be particularly interested in taking care of himself, but he has enough self-respect to not become a whore so that he can pay for a ticket that will get him away from there.

Thor doesn't sleep at all that night. He simply can't. He waits as the hours pass, as the hands of time move forward as they always do. He wants to drink, he wants to smoke, he wants to scream.

Right before dawn breaks and the sun casts its light over the city, there is a knock on the door. Thor jumps out of his seat fast as a bullet and opens the door without even thinking about asking who it is. It must be him, he must have left his keys behind.

And it is him. Loki looks exactly the same as a few hours ago and yet different at the same time. His hair is sticking out in certain places as though the wind has blown it or its owner has tugged at it. But his face is lovely. He looks peaceful, calm. Only the redness of his eyes ruins the otherwise perfect image.

Thor has so many things to say but remains silent. He smiles softly and steps aside in order to let Loki come inside. The latter does and walks into the cozy flat. Thor closes the door slowly, giving his brother the needed time to collect himself. When he finally opens his mouth, Thor, noticing that he is looking down at his shoes, hopes that he is not going to announce that he is leaving.

"I'm sorry."

Thor blinks. He has not expected to hear that. His brother is proud (although not arrogant, as Thor used to be), and besides Thor feels that he should be the one saying that line. Actually, he's not at all sure who should be apologising.

"I'm sorry," Loki repeats, his eyes still fixed on his army boots. "I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that. It's not your fault - as I walked around, I realised that I can't accuse you of anything really. When I first discovered the truth, though, I blamed you as well. I blamed you because you were better, the perfect son that I could never be. I blamed you because you called me your brother."

Thor takes a tentative step towards his brother as if Loki is a deer that he does not want to scare away with any hasty movements. In all truth, he just wants so badly to hold his brother, to kiss him and tell him that it's all water under the bridge.

"But you didn't lie to me. You didn't shower me with false love, you didn't make me live in illusions, in an unreal world."

Loki looks up at long last and Thor notices that he is on the verge of tears (again, if his red eyes are any indication). It aches Thor to see him like that. He wants to tell him that both Frigga and Odin truly love him, but he doesn't want to go through the same fight all over again. Not now that Loki is back and serene.

"I'm sorry," he says for the third time that day. "If you want me to leave, I'll pack my stuff and be gone in a minute."

Thor reaches him with two long strides, no longer caring about taking slow steps. Loki flinches; is he afraid that Thor is going to hit him? Gods, what is going on inside his head?

Thor rests his hands on his brother's shoulders. "Are you serious? I waited for you all night. I didn't follow you because I _don't_ want you to leave. Ever." And here comes the confession: "I missed you."

Loki snorts at those three words but it is clear that they have warmed his tortured heart. "I was only gone for a week," he says.

"A little over a week and a half."

Loki rolls his eyes, but then a soft laugh puffs out of his chest. It is very short, but Thor is more than glad to hear this sound of joy come from his brother.

"So...we're okay?"

"Always," Thor answers.

For a moment Loki looks lost, but Thor pulls him into a hug. He almost sighs in relief when he feels his brother's arms wrap around his body. He knows that 'always' is not the best reply to his brother's question. 'Always' sounds like a promise, and promises are not good for someone who had his whole world collapsing around him at the age of eighteen. 'Always' sounds like something two people in love might say to one another.

They have never said _those_ three words to each other. Not since their relationship changed. Thor loves Loki, but he's too afraid to say something like that to a person who keeps leaving him.

He strokes Loki's silky, jet black hair, smoothing it down. Loki sighs, as if he has finally managed to lift the weight of the world off his shoulders, and makes a sound that resembles a purr. Thor smiles and kisses the top of his head.

They do reach the bedroom this time. But all they do is sleep in each other's arms.


	5. Chapter 5

Guys, I'm sorry for not posting this last week, but I posted a new Thorki story and completely forgot to update this one. Oops. Plus: exams.

I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. It's the longest one of all and the one with the most angst I believe.

One more chapter to go!

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><p><em>You went out every night<em>  
><em>And baby that's alright<em>  
><em>I told you that no matter what you did I'd be by your side<em>  
><em>Cause Imma ride or die<em>  
><em>Whether you fail or fly<em>  
><em>Well shit at least you tried.<em>  
><em>But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died<em>  
><em>I told you I wanted more - but that's not what I had in mind<em>  
><em>I just want it like before<em>  
><em>We were dancing all night<em>  
><em>Then they took you away - stole you out of my life<em>  
><em>You just need to remember...<em>

_I will love you 'til the end of time_  
><em>I would wait a million years<em>  
><em>Promise you'll remember that you're mine<em>  
><em>Baby can you see through the tears<em>  
><em>Love you more<em>  
><em>Than those bitches before<em>  
><em>Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember, oh baby ooh<em>  
><em>I will love you 'til the end of time<em>

**_Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans_**

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><p>"Come on, it's gonna be fun," Fandral is saying from the other side of the line.<p>

Under different circumstances, Thor would have agreed to it already. But now Loki is here, and Thor wants to spend every moment with him. It's not that his brother and his friends don't get along; he just isn't so sure whether Loki will be willing to leave the comfort of the flat for that place.

"I'll try to be there," he finally says, "but no promises."

After hanging up, he informs Loki immediately. "That was Fandral. He says there's this little club opening tonight and asks if we'll come."

Thor suddenly remembers that he hasn't informed his friends about his brother's return. Surely they must have suspected something as there has been no contact for about three days.

The last sun rays have disappeared from the pale sky but it is not night yet. Thor and Loki have been sleeping all morning, finally getting out of bed at about four o'clock and having a little snack.

Loki is still too thin for Thor's liking, but he looks...healthier, better. It's like he has finally managed to shrug a weight off his bony shoulders and can now know what tranquility is.

"Sure, let's go."

Thor is actually surprised by this reply. But he is glad as well. He wants to see his friends again. And, most importantly, he doesn't want Loki to feel trapped in the flat. He wants him to have fun. He wants to explore the city with him all over again and discover all the new places before other people even hear of them.

* * *

><p>Loki seems to like the club a lot. It's neither too small nor too spacious, neither too dark nor too bright. It's an underground club, playing a lot of experimental music but not only that. There are people now dancing to the rhythm of <em>Red Eyes and Tears<em> by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club.

"So, Loki, it's good to have you back," Sif says and raises her glass as though in toast.

For just a second, she looks at Thor and smiles at him. Out of everyone Thor is sharing the table with (probably including Loki), she seems to be the one closest to understanding just how much Thor loves Loki. Thor and Loki keep the true nature of their relationship a secret. Maybe, being a woman, she can sense that stuff. Or, perhaps, somehow, it has dawned on her that the reason why it can never happen between them and the reason why Thor doesn't date is because he already has someone, someone who is right there with them now, someone who leaves a wreck behind when he goes away.

Loki bows his head to Sif and takes a sip of his drink. The two of them look alike in a way, Thor notices: they both have black hair and green eyes. But no one, not even Sif, is as beautiful as Loki. He is a piece of art.

"So, Loki, where did you go this time?" Volstagg asks.

Thor has been aching to ask that question even since he got Loki from the train station, but he hasn't actually said the words out loud. He always gives space and privacy to his brother. But now that the question has been posed, he is dying to know the answer.

"Detroit."

Before Volstagg can ask another question, Fandral exclaims, "Is that Jane?"

Thor turns his gaze to where Fandral's eyes are resting. Let it not be her. And if it is, let it be so that she doesn't see them, doesn't walk to them, doesn't...

"Who is Jane?" Loki asks.

"It's not her," Sif says immediately as if she can sense Thor's discomfort. If Thor is right and she has comprehended just what sort of relationship the two not-brothers have, she understands that she should change the subject. Thor is immensely grateful to her.

"You're right, it's not her," Fandral says and shakes his head. Then he moves his gaze to Loki and begins to explain, "Jane was Thor's girlfriend. Petite, soft brown hair and brown eyes. She had an adorable giggle and looked like a sweet gal. But your brother broke up with her, the fool."

"I see," Loki says, sounding bored. He looks like someone who has just had his curiosity satisfied, but Thor can see that he is actually tense.

"She wasn't my girlfriend," Thor says, his blue eyes fixed on Loki, speaking only to him, willing him to understand. "We only went out once and it didn't work out. She could never..."

As Thor pauses, Sif clears her throat and comes to the rescue. "So, Loki, how was Detroit?" she asks.

"Yeah, how were the girls?" Fandral asks.

Loki grins wolfishly and stares hard at Thor. "Oh, they were wonderful."

* * *

><p>They haven't exchanged any words whatsoever all the way back to the flat. Thor's heart is hammering, he can hear it loudly in his ears. Surely Loki can hear it as well, how it aches for him.<p>

When they finally get inside their home, Loki is nothing but malicious energy. He moves with calm and calculated steps, his back on Thor. Thor hates Fandral and his big mouth at that moment. Everything has been going great, and then this happens.

"It was only one date," Thor says. "Fandral got her number for me when he saw how she was looking at me over at Starbucks one day. But it didn't work out. It could never work out. No one can ever replace you."

Loki snorts and turns so that Thor can see him, so that he can see that his eyes have gone red with anger and with tears. Thor remembers their fight the previous night. After the peace and quiet that they have enjoyed, the fight feels distant, a memory from long ago. And yet, there's another one coming now, hardly twenty-four hours later.

"Don't defend yourself to me," Loki says coldly. "I don't own you, you're not bound to me or anything. You can do whatever you want with whomever you want. I do."

Thor steps forward, into Loki's space, his own anger beginning to bubble up inside him. "Is that what you do when you travel?" he demands to know. "You fuck strangers?"

Loki steps away. "That's none of your business."

"Loki, you're my brother -"

"_Don't!_ I'm not your brother, and you know that very well. How can you call me that after everything that's happened between us?"

"What would _you_ call us then?"

All he receives from Loki is silence. In all truth, he does not know how to call this either. They are not brothers, although they have been raised as such and have loved each other as if they were for a time. They are more than lovers and less than lovers at the same time.

Since words fail him, Thor tries a different approach. He reaches out for Loki with arms stretched, but Loki only pushes him away. Loki surely knows that Thor will never let him go if he manages to pull him in his embrace, and he does not want that to happen.

"You mean nothing to me," he says, his voice like ice.

Thor keeps telling himself that this is nothing but a lie, yet his heart gets stung by those words.

"I don't believe you," he says. "Just as I don't believe that you have fucked anyone wherever the hell you've been."

"Oh, but I have," Loki disagrees with a smirk.

Thor wants to scream at him. He wants to hit him. He wants to make him feel the pain his own heart is experiencing right now. Instead, he grabs Loki by the shoulders and drags him to the bedroom. Loki fights him all the way, slapping his hands to get them off his person, almost growling.

When they reach the bedroom, Thor stops and lets go of Loki. Loki holds on to him tightly for a moment before slowly letting go, appearing lost, looking like he doesn't know what they should do now.

"Do you want to hit me?" Thor asks.

"Stop."

"If you want to hurt me, I'm right here."

"Shut up."

"Do it."

"NO!"

He pulls Loki close to him and plants kisses all over his forehead, brow, nose. He kisses away the salty tears that have rolled down his cheeks. Thor shows love through touch, but Loki doesn't seem to understand any of it.

"Don't," Loki whispers.

Thor doesn't heed his words. He has to make him see. He covers Loki's mouth with his own. Even though Loki doesn't respond, he continues his ministrations, nipping and licking, until Loki begins to shake as if he's not certain about what to do.

Thor leads him to the bed, undressing Loki slowly, still getting no reaction from him. He lays his brother on the bed and undresses himself until there is no article of clothing to separate their flesh.

Loki looks so beautiful underneath him, with his black hair spread out on the pillow like a dark halo around his head and his skin as pale as the moon. Thor strokes his hair and places soft kisses on his neck, on his collarbone, on his shoulder. He tries to pour all the unsaid words in what he does. Loki lets out a shaky breath.

"I don't ever want to hurt you, Loki."

"But we always hurt each other," Loki disagrees, his green eyes finally meeting the blue ones.

"It doesn't have to be like that," Thor says, fisting Loki's cock slowly.

The latter swallows heavily and shakes his head.

"You don't believe me."

"No."

Thor removes his hand and looks at that lovely creature lying beneath him. Loki thinks that this is normal; that love is supposed to hurt and if it doesn't, you're not doing it right. He used to have Odin's love, but Odin has always loved his biological son more. And even that love has been snatched away at the moment of truth. Thor is going to show Loki that his words can become reality.

"I love you," he says.

Loki's eyes widen. He looks frightened and then starts struggling, trying to escape Thor's hold even though he knows that he is not going to be successful.

When he finally gets tired, he asks, "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing," Thor replies calmly.

"Fuck you," he says, and then he's kissing Thor. He kisses him hard and draws bloody patterns on his broad back with his nails. Thor takes it all.

Loki finds the lube and pushes two slick fingers inside himself, loosening his muscles for Thor, as he sucks at the latter's neck. When he's done, Thor pours lube onto himself and enters Loki.

And then he stops. He loves the fact that Loki often loses himself during sex, loses control. However, he doesn't want this to be just a break from their fight, which will resume later. He doesn't want Loki to forget what has been said that night.

"Thor," Loki's voice breaks him from his reverie. "_Please_."

Loki rarely ever uses that word. Thor begins to move, trying to be gentle but also giving that that magnetising creature underneath him what he wants. He grips Loki's hips tightly, and Loki claws at the skin of his shoulders.

He swallows the moans that come out of Loki's soft lips. He changes the angle a bit, and Loki's back arches, their sweaty chests becoming almost one, and Thor groans.

He picks up his pace to a point where it's almost brutal. Loki's mouth is left hanging open, his moans escaping freely. Thor gets high off those sounds.

"I lied earlier," Loki pants. "I've never been with anyone but you. It's always been only you."

Thor almost loses control of his rhythm, of his movements, of everything. He hears those words again and again inside his head as if he has a replay button in there that he is currently raping out of the need to listen to those words once more.

They come together, Thor's face buried in the crook of Loki's neck, Loki's fingers pulling Thor's hair. When they come down from their high, they don't move. Loki doesn't push Thor away, he doesn't roll him off of him, he doesn't go take a shower.

"I love you," he finally says.


	6. Chapter 6

_Open Sesame (We've places to go)_  
><em>We've people to see (Let's put 'em on hold)<em>  
><em>There's all sorts of shapes that I bet you can make<em>  
><em>When you had to escape, say the word<em>

_Well I know that getting you alone isn't easy to do_  
><em>But with the exception of you I dislike everyone in the room<em>  
><em>And I don't wanna lie but I don't wanna tell you the truth<em>  
><em>Get the sense that you're on the move and you'll probably be leaving soon<em>  
><em>So I'm telling you<em>

_Stop the world 'cause I wanna get off with you_  
><em>Stop the world 'cause I wanna get off with you<em>

**_Arctic Monkeys - Stop The World I Wanna Get Off With You_**

* * *

><p>In the morning, Thor wakes up, only to find the other side of the bed empty. He shakes his head, refusing to believe that this has happened again. Not after that night. They have come so close.<p>

But have they come_ too_ close? Has Loki left because he fears that he will get hurt again eventually just as it happened when he discovered his true parentage? Has he left so as to save himself from a broken heart, breaking Thor's instead?

Thor puts on his boxers and jeans, knowing already that he is going to find the flat empty. It is not the first time that this has happened, after all.

He is met with a surprise when he enters the living room. Loki is lying on the sofa, wearing the same clothes as the night that has passed, the clothes that Thor slowly took off of him mere hours ago. He has no time to give in to hope, because what draws his attention is the luggage sitting next to Loki, patiently waiting.

"You're leaving." It's a statement, not a question.

"Yes."

"How come you waited for me to wake up before departing this time?" Thor asks. He can't hide the bitterness his voice is laced with.

Loki gets up, graceful and silent as a cat. "I'm not going alone," he says.

Thor raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Loki takes a few steps closer to him, until there are only a few inches separating them. "I would like to take you with me," he says, "if that's all right with you."

Thor blinks. He feels like his brain is not working properly. Surely he must have misheard. Or, maybe, he is twisting and changing Loki's words inside his head. Perhaps he is still sleeping and this is nothing but a dream.

"Do you mean that?" he asks nonetheless.

Loki smiles, and that sight is so beautiful, so reassuring. "Yes," he says. "I don't ever want to leave you again."

Thor thinks about his friends. Sif, who is both fierce and kind and understands him better than the others. Volstagg, who loves food and can create the most mind-blowing delicacies. Fandral, who is such a flirt and has the naughtiest stories to tell. Hogun, who never gets drunk and can always drive them home. He loves them all, but not as much as he loves Loki. Loki, who loves him back. Loki, who wants to escape with him instead of from him. Surely his friends will understand. Sif will, at least; and then she can sweet-talk the others.

Thor notices that Loki looks uncertain, almost scared, as if he is expecting to be rejected. Thor kisses him in order to wipe all his doubts and fears away.

"Of course I'll come with you!" he says.

Loki's smile finds its way back to his handsome face. He looks younger. He looks happy. The words spoken during the night, the confessions coming from both sides, have apparently liberated him.

"Where are we gonna go?" Thor asks, not that it matters that much. As long as he is with Loki, every place is going to be like heaven to him.

Loki shrugs and his smile widens. "Anywhere you want," he says, "I don't care." He seems to be feeling the same way Thor is.

"Let's go to Paris," Thor says, believing that they should go to a romantic city after what has transpired between them so recently.

Loki rolls his eyes and calls him a lovesick fool. However, he kisses him tenderly on the lips, proving that, in fact, both of them are lovesick fools after all.

"Start packing," Loki says. "I'm not gonna wait for you all day."

Soon both of them are packed and ready. When the door of the flat closes, Loki reaches out for Thor's hand and their fingers intertwine.

**THE END**

* * *

><p>I don't know how, but I've gone from ending stories with major character death to ending stories with fluff and happily ever after. Um...<p> 


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